Episode Six

Pearl & Frankie


Episode 6: Frankie realizes that Jib Jab has posted their annual holiday dancing elves videos and is excited .... as usual. But what will killjoy Pearl think? .....

Frankie: UH OH - JIB JAB
Pearl:  ... Frankie
Frankie: Elf yourself is up again!!!
Pearl:  DON'T
Frankie: =D
Pearl:  I know that you cannot control yourself with jib jab
Frankie: No they are the same as last year - so I wont ....
Pearl:  ...
Frankie: ... EXCEPT I WILL
Pearl:  Ok for realizises - stay away from that site
Frankie: no
Pearl: You know I think it's bad for you. It's like your answer to online poker
Frankie: Ha-ha-ha.
Pearl: ...This is no laughing mattter.
Frankie: =Dx2
Pearl: I'm not smiling - I'm sighing
Frankie: But it don't cost money...
Pearl: Frankie ...
Frankie: ... so it ain't nearly as bad
Pearl: That is not the point - it is your time that it takes away. Time you could have spent with your loved ones
Frankie: But ... I LOVE it. It IS a loved one
Pearl: ...Oh boy hold on I  have to call Dr. Patterman, I don't know how to handle that response.
Frankie:  Okay on a scale its like: GOD - MOM/DAD - JIBJAB - YOU
Pearl:  OH no Dr. Patterman warned me that you'd start putting it close to your loved ones - wait Betty Ann just chimed in, she says: where is Jesus on your chart?
(some time passes)
Pearl: HELLO?!
Frankie: Sorry .... God encapsulates the Holy Trinity in my ranking - just like to summarize....Sorry I may respond intermittently ... just working on my newest jibjab sendable.
Pearl: Oh God. I've lost you again
Frankie: I'm doing this FOR US.
Pearl:  ...not impressed
Frankie:  Really? Because your animated self on jibjab just gave me a "thumbs up"
(Frankie continues work on the JibJab sendable)
 AHAHAHAHA
THIS IS GOOD - THIS IS SOOOOO GOOD
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Pearl?
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Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Episode Five

Pearl & Frankie 

Episode 5: Pearl makes a visible, online gesture of friendship towards Frankie. Naturally uncomfortable confusion ensues ...

Frankie: Yay! This is amazing, it feels like our friendship is finally legitimate .... unlike that child I had ....

Pearl: Did you?

Frankie: ...well....no. I didn't - because he was illigitimate....

Pearl: Whaaaat?

Frankie: What?

Pearl: What was?

Frankie: - The baby.

Pearl: Wait - I'm confused.

Frankie: Oh god.

Pearl: Okay I'm sooooo confused. Check that thing I made.

Frankie: I DID!

Pearl: Finally!.. geez

Frankie: Oh my God - have you not read anything of what I've said?! I SAW IT ... then I said it makes me feel like our friendship is finally legitimate ...

Pearl: Ohhh..

Frankie: Unlike that baby I had.

Pearl: Ohhhhh - I see. Ok I see what you did there. Ok.

Frankie: ... then you said: "Did you?" (and I thought you were asking if I did in fact have an illigitimate child) to which I responded: "Well I didn't , because he was illigitimate" - He's be a legitimate baby if I HAD a baby. 

Pearl: ...yada yada yada - listen

Frankie: Whatever.

Pearl: By the by, people need to start pronouncing the T in listen

Frankie: Don't steal my catchphrase! And don't change the subject. 

Pearl: Fine!

Frankie: ... there is the life of an illigitimate child at stake here.

Pearl: ...Wait, what?

Frankie: !!!!!!!!!!

Episode Four

Pearl & Frankie

Haughty Hallowe'en Special

Episode 4: It's Hallowe'en. Pearl and Frankie discuss their plans for the evening, without each other ...

Pearl: So Frankie, what are your Halloween plans this year?

Frankie: I'm having people over tonight for drinks and board games ...

Pearl: Ha. Bored games - you're right - That's a good adjective to describe your parties. *smug face*

Frankie: You are so condescending .... Oh. Em. Gee. I can't believe I almost left "She Wolf" off my playlist! Where is my head at?!

Pearl: ... So anyway, who is on the guest list?

Frankie: Just some friends and some plus ones.

Pearl: My invite must have been lost in the mail ... or if you sent out an evite it most have been lost in virtual space.... I'm too busy to come anyway.

Frankie: Really? What are you upto?

Pearl: ... Well, my Halloween party will be in a cubicle at the UTM library ... I might dress up.

Frankie: What as?

Pearl: I can't decide ... Leonardo CoHen or High on Dye (Hyundai) .... thoughts?

Frankie: Maybe you should just go as a tool box. Just slap a "Hi My Name Is Pearl" sticker on your shirt and you're good to go ...

Pearl: .....

Frankie: .... ZING!

Episode Three

Pearl & Frankie

EPISODE 3: Pearl and Frankie discuss Child Protective Services as it relates to their own lives, but not before Pearl admits the pressure from work is leading her towards alcoholism, or alcoolism as Frankie likes to call it ...

Pearl: (edited for racism) If this whore doesn’t stop talking beside me I am gonna choke a bitch, just fyi

Frankie: …So… what are you up to?

Pearl: At work, finished a project …finally some sleep slash drinking alone and passing out in my vomit.

Frankie: Can I watch?

Pearl: It would depress you I pretty much chug bottled wine while reciting old socialist era Slavic hymns …begins to sing oh socialist Yugoslavia tito our brother now… so anyway …. Man in front of me is letting his 2 month old chug a frappuccino – what’s the number for child protective services? Your kids must have that number on speed dial.

Frankie: Well, if you must know, Aaden has yet to take that step … although one night he fell asleep while in his study and I saw some paperwork he’s been working on, listing “incidents of interest” and “unlawful conduct by parent/guardian” … I just assumed those pertained to you though.

Pearl: Yeah I wrote those up. I had him spell check; apparently “I h8 ma wife 4 lyphe” is “not permissible in a court of law”. Ugh Aaden and his snobbery – we know who he gets that from. Peace and one love, PearLLL

Frankie: ….

Pearl: … Why aren’t you answering? This better not be some lovely bones shit.

Episode Two

Pearl & Frankie

EPISODE 2: Having mentioned the use of a "friendship tally", Frankie is now forced by Pearl to divulge some of its contents ....

Frankie: I can't believe you can't meet with me until Monday! That'll go in the CON column of my ultimate friendship checklist...

Pearl: ha ha - i need to see that hypothetical list, even though it'd be disasterous for my self-esteem.

Frankie: A sample ...

con: unavailablie, jon-sympathizer, wears Ed Hardy

pro: pretty face, sasafrass, hot bod

con: too pretty (attracts attention)

pro: smart

con: too smart (knew I was lying when I said I wasn't drunk)

pro: held my hair back when I puked later that night ...

Pearl: ... ha-ha

Frankie: Well, I have to have some way of measuring the successfullness of our friendship ... or courtship - depending on who you ask

Pearl: ...

Frankie: ooh no snippy comeback --> Frankie:1 Pearl:0

Pearl: No, my phone is flashing ... I have to call Rogers ...

Frankie: con: cannot admit even most obvious defeat.

Episode One

Pearl & Frankie

EPISODE 1: Pearl, in Italy, coaxes Frankie into yet another argument....

Pearl (p): she's my kinda lady
Frankie: lol ... wait what about ME bitch
Pearl: well you're ok i guess i am so tired
Frankie: just OKAY?!?! Omg that is such a KATE thing to say
Pearl: haha - ugh of course even iNTERNATIONALLY we have problems - ughh
Frankie: well ... you think I don't realize why you signed up for this G8 stuff in the first place??? You Think I Can't Tell when i'm being AVOIDED ... internationally!?
Pearl: you just cant let go of that CAN YOU?
Frankie: I'm sorry but it has to be said
Pearl: sigh, eye roll
Frankie: no, not when you are macking on every Italian boy who prances past with greasy hair and a questionably strong body odor
I KNOW YOU
I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE
I KNOW YOUR TYPE
and i've known from the beginning that I'm not it
but still i TRIED!
I TRIED TO MAKE IT WORK for
me
for you
for .... US ... and aaden obviously... but you've gone off gallivanting to some god forsaken place while I am left to work two jobs (day: market research, evening: clothed-stripper) carting AAden around with me because I can't afford daycare - and even if i could - you know how he is, he can't help but showboat his intelligence and it hurts the other children!
Pearl: omg HILARIOUS i am laughing out loud shit
Frankie: oh of course - my HEART is hilarious to you ...meanwhile i'm back on the sauce and AAden has taken to ketamin and peach schnapps ... yes AA-den: because i've enrolled him in AA ... because he's a DRUNK - just to get your attention *sobs*
Pearl: Oh no you cannot and WILL not place this all on me
i am here ALL DAY (REPEAT: ALL DAY) researching and drinking endless cappuccinos to provide for your drunk ass
Frankie: i never thought my life would turn out like this ... *gets up - paces about the room - looks in the mirror - screams "WHY?!?!"- sits down - puts on Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" - rocks back and forth to the beat staring into the middle distance contemplating the purpose of her life
Pearl: OMG CANT STOP LAUGHING ...eat time,gotta go be right back
Frankie: pfft providing - if you mean giving me a $5 a week allowance
for clothes and misc. necessities
when you KNOW "bowel Buddies" cost 15 bucks alone - song changes to Area Codes by Ludacris - remembers that this was suppose to be their first dance at their wedding ... until Pearl decided that she wasn't emotionally mature enough to make the M-commitment....
message pops up:
Pearl is busy. You may be interrupting.